Fostering Independence, Empowering Our Children, and Lessening the Load for Parents - AKA - Chores

After another hectic morning getting my 3 1/2 year old and 19 month old dressed and organized, something dawned on me - maybe it is time to start giving some responsibilities to them. I asked my daughter what she thought about having some "very important jobs" to do each day to help me out. Since I positioned the concept this way, she was excited about being big enough to start looking after some things all by her self. This made me start thinking about the concept of chores and familial responsibilities and so here are some ideas I thought were worth sharing:

Some chores most children between the ages of 2-4 could do: making their beds (pulling up the sheets/covers), putting dirty clothes in the hamper, clearing plastic dishes to the counter/sink, tidying up books and toys, wiping up messes, bringing in the newspaper, and helping to feed pets.

Some chores most children between the ages of 5-7 could do: all of the chores above, dusting furniture (old socks work really well), carrying in and helping to put away groceries, setting the table, clearing the table, bringing in mail, helping with cooking, and putting their clothes away.

Some chores most children between the ages of 8-10 (and beyond) could do: all of the chores above, taking care of pets, folding and putting away laundry, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, taking out the garbage, preparing simple foods, making their own lunches (using agreed upon items), emptying and loading the dishwasher, raking leaves, shoveling snow, and washing cars.

Although my son isn't quite old enough to take on any jobs independently, he does love to help out when given a specific task, often while I sing my version of the "tidy up song". By encouraging him to help out now and having him watch his big sister do her jobs, he will likely learn that this it what it means to be part of a family. I know that in the beginning, it will be a little more work for me as we make chores part of our routines. I also know that I'll need to let go of a bit of my neat-freak tendencies and be positive about their accomplishments even if it isn't exactly how it would look if I'd done it myself.

It is my hope to teach both my son and daughter how to take care of all household duties required to make life run more smoothly. From the perspective of someone wishing for my spouse to just notice (he is wonderfully helpful when asked) when household jobs need to get done, I want to raise my children to be the perfect partner when it comes to chores. I guess I'll get feedback on this about 25 years from now...wish me luck!

Parenting is Easy - Until it Happens to You

For those of us fortunate enough to be parents, it isn’t long after we bring our children home that we realize what an unbelievably wonderful yet difficult journey we’ve embarked upon. Most of us understand that being a good parent will mean making some sacrifices, sleeping less, and doing more laundry, but it becomes clear that parenting isn’t as easy as good parents make it look. We think back to the times we thought we knew how a parent should react to a child’s temper-tantrum or other challenging behaviour, and begin to recognize that the right way to respond isn’t so obvious when you become the parent engaged in the battle.

Most parents begin this journey with little or no formal training. Each parent brings with them their own values, ideas, and habits (both good & bad) that they most likely inherited from their own parents. They may respect and value their own parents’ parenting style, or they may be looking to do the exact opposite. Whatever the case, parents are often passionate about what they think is the “right way” to parent, seemingly oblivious to the fact that they are untrained and inexperienced in the task that stands before them. Is it any wonder that many parents have difficulty?

Often overlooked, and of significantly more importance than the school of parenting you might subscribe to, is the idea of consistency. Being consistent is one of the biggest challenges parents face on a daily basis, and arguably the most important. Theoretically, consistency makes sense, but when forced into action by a very demanding 3-year-old, the commitment to consistency becomes a lot more difficult to follow through on. As only parents can understand, it is often easier to give-in, ignore, or only partially deal with misbehaviour. It is often very inconvenient to stay consistent and follow through.

There can be inconsistency between the parenting styles of two adults, inconsistency in the delivery of the message to a child, or inconsistency between multiple children. All have the potential to create confusion in your children about your expectations of their behaviour. This confusion results in your child acting out to try to establish a defined set of parameters that they know they must stay within. If those boundaries are a moving target, you can hardly blame them for not knowing what is expected of them.

Envision this scenario: you are sitting at a restaurant with your child, giddy with the excitement of someone else preparing a meal for you. You’ve just finished a discussion with your little darling, explaining that she is expected to stay in her seat while at the restaurant, when she hops down and crawls under the table behind you. After helping her back into her seat, you warn her that if she does that again, you will be going home instead of enjoying dinner out. After taking only your third bite of your first hot meal in recent memory, your well-behaved little one is once again underneath the adjacent table. What do you do?

It would be much more convenient for you to issue the warning once again and carry on with your well-deserved dinner out, but it will only take a few empty threats before your perfect little angel realizes that you don’t really mean what you say. The ramifications of this simple and common occurrence can, and will, set the stage for more (and more serious) misbehaviour to follow. So how can we, as parents, remain consistent? Here are a few tips that can help:

Discuss behaviour expectations ahead of time: Talk to your partner and children about rules and consequences before the situation arises. By being proactive in your approach, setting boundaries you expect your children to stay within, and having predetermined reasonable consequences, it will become easier for you and your partner to remain on the same page, and present a unified force to your children. It will also reduce tendency for your children to ‘test the waters’, as you have predefined the rules for a given situation.

Only threaten consequences that you are prepared to follow through on: if you are unwilling to leave during the middle of dinner, don’t make that the consequence. Encourage your partner to do the same, by holding them accountable for any idle threats that they may issue. Your partner won’t have to leave many steaks on the table before realizing the importance of what you’re trying to accomplish.

Choose your battles wisely: You must engage when the issue relates to the safety of your child or others, as well as on behaviours that you feel strongly about and have decided to focus on. It is all too easy to say “no”, “don’t do that”, or “stop it” all day long to our children, but this can be detrimental to both you and your child. Being negative can be mentally and physically exhausting and make for long days with your children. In addition, constant nagging can cause children to tune parents out. Worse, the negative reinforcement is often interpreted as attention and will encourage more behaviour to bring about that attention. Lastly, it can also lead to poor self-esteem when children feel they are told they are bad more than good.

Focus on positive parenting: For a given situation, it is easy to create a long list of specific things that your child shouldn’t do (eg. “Don’t climb the fence”, “never play hockey on the road”), but aside from pointing out behaviours that the child knows will garner your attention, doing so will also insinuate to your child that you don’t trust them. Instead, suggest a number of things that indicate the proper behaviour to your child (eg. “If your ball goes over the fence, knock on the neighbour’s door and ask them if you can retrieve it”, or “why don’t you play hockey in the driveway”. Eventually your child will understand that your suggestions are really directives, but they will appreciate the fact that you are treating them with respect, and will generally react more favourably.

It takes a lot of hard-work, patience, determination, and support to do this job well. We also need to remember that we don’t need to take this journey alone and that it is okay to ask for help when we need it. The bottom line is that parenting isn’t easy; nothing this good ever is.

5 Homework Tips For Parents

Every parent has battled with their children on at least one occasion to try to get them to complete their homework. Most parents fight the homework battle on a weekly, if not daily, basis. Since homework is one of the struggles that parents of school-age children often face, here are a few homework tips that parents might be interested to help alleviate that frustration.

1. Set up a homework/studying routine: Make homework time a component of every day the way you do with mealtime & bedtime. Sit down with your child and come up with a homework schedule as a family that works for everyone. When planning this, consider that it is better to do homework earlier in the day and that the younger the child is when this is established, the less resistance you will encounter.
2. Create a space for homework time: Decide where your child can most effectively complete their homework, and then provide the guidance and resources to establish this as an effective workspace. When established early, your child can enjoy this homework space for years to come.
3. How much time should be spent on homework? The rule of thumb is 10 minutes of homework per day for each grade (ex. 10 minutes for grade 1 and 80 minutes for grade 8) This can include reading time although additional reading time is beneficial and is a great way to wind down at bedtime.
4. Help your child with their homework based on need not want: By being involved in their homework, you will soon become aware of your child’s strengths and weaknesses. The goal is to foster independence and accountability. Be sure your child knows your realistic expectations
5. Model Good Work Habits: For parents who bring work home, try to do some at the same time that your child is completing their homework (or at least when children will witness it happening). For parents who don’t have homework themselves, balance your chequebook or catch up on some letter-writing. Most importantly, let your child see you reading for pleasure.
   

Remember that by implementing all of these homework suggestions you won’t necessarily turn your frustrated ten-year-old into a model student overnight, but by sticking to these homework guidelines you should see a positive change over time in your child’s attitude toward homework, and likely toward school in general.

Empowering Our Children By Being Positive

For those of you who watched the Acadamy Awards a few weeks ago, one speech in particular caught my attention. While Reese Whitherspoon was accepting her best actress Oscar, she thanked her parents for always being proud of her. She said "whether I was making a movie or making my bed, they always told me how proud they were of me". I think that in our busy and results driven society, we don't tell our children that we are proud of them as often as we should.
We all want to be accepted, valued, and loved so it is imperative that we as parents, focus on making sure we let our children know this. I know that 99% of parents feel this way about our children, but is it actually stated or implied? It is easier to comment on the negatives and just let the positives happen quietly. This is a common mistake made by most of us all too often.
Our children want our attention and many will do whatever it takes to get it. If the positives go unnoticed but the negatives get them attention, then it only makes sense that they will begin to act out negatively in order to get more attention. Although a frustrating issue to deal with, the solution is usually quite simple. Ignore as many of the negative things as possible - except for those issues related to safety - and enthusiastically, take notice of the many positive things your child does everyday.
From making their beds or getting dressed independently in the morning, to playing nicely with their sibling or doing well at school, give your child the praise and encouragement they desire and deserve. Chances are, you'll be pleasantly surprised at how the positives will soon out-number the negatives.

Maclean's Article is Out!

The "Help" article of the March 13th edition (at the very end of the magazine) is all about what we do at Parental Guidance. The article is well written and we are thrilled with the glowing reviews our company receives from writer Kate Fillion as well as our former clients. We really appreciate the exposure and opportunity to share our concept with all of Canada.
Unfortunately, the photo and the article fail to include one of our founding directors, Karen Farrell. Our company is proud of our 4 partners who each bring unique skills, attitudes and values to our clients and we were disappointed to find that we weren't all included.
One other thing we'd like to point out is that contrary to the title (which by the way, we know the writer had no control over) we don't actually "fix kids". What we do is help empower parents by cooperatively coming up with better parenting strategies that will work for their family. We hope you enjoy the article!
Our photo was on the homepage of the Maclean's Website on Monday, March 13th. Here is a link to the story.

Maclean's Magazine to feature Parental Guidance

Be sure to check out the article written about Parental Guidance in the March 13th issue of Maclean's Magazine. Contributing Editor Kate Fillion interviewed PG Directors and Founders and observed us working with a client for her story. The issue becomes available March 6th to subscribers and will be on newstands March 7th. Stay tuned for the title and article after it hits newstands next week.

SavvyMom features Parental Guidance

Do you want to learn about the latest services, products, and ideas to help Moms (and Dads) simplify their lives? Check out SavvyMom. You can check out both current and past articles on their website or subscribe to their free weekly newsletters via email. They have SavvyScouts from the GTA as well as across the country always on the look out for new ways to help parents. SavvyMom's article called "a friend indeed" features Parental Guidance.