A listing of Parental Guidance events in and around the Greater Toronto area.
Most children and people in general, thrive on and seek attention. This is why it is so important for parents to make sure that the attention children learn to seek is positive attention. In order for this to develop, parents must reinforce and reward good behaviour. It is important to recognize that rewards can be social approval such as sincere praise for your child (ex. “you did a great job tidying your toys” or “I love how you are playing so nicely with your sister” or “I’m really proud of you for getting dressed all by yourself”) as well as tangible rewards such as stickers or a treat. By rewarding good behaviour, children learn that you notice the positive things they do, and hopefully that they themselves enjoy the feelings they get from cooperating and making good decisions. The ultimate goal of rewarding good behaviour is for children to become intrinsically motivated to behave well and make appropriate choices.
It depends on the types of rewards. There can never be too much positive reinforcement, so rewarding your child with praise, compliments and affection cannot be overdone. Praise and positive reinforcement will not only encourage desired behaviours, but will also help to build your child’s self-esteem.
It is possible to use reward systems too much if you use them for just about everything you want your child to do. It is important to save using reward systems for specific behaviours that you want your child to develop or improve. You do not want to create an environment where your child is not willing to do things that don’t involve a pay-off. It is necessary to phase out the tangible reward once your child has started to consistently demonstrate the desired behaviour. By continuing to use positive reinforcement along with tangible rewards, it is less likely that your child will become dependent on the reward.
This is a bribe since the cookie is being offered because the child has not cleaned up the toys on his/her own. Essentially, the child is eventually being rewarded for not doing what was expected because it forced the parent into a bribery situation. The main difference is that in the case of a bribe, the “treat” is being offered before the desired behaviour has occurred whereas with a reward system, the desired behaviour occurs before being offered or given the reward.
The difference may seem trivial but children will quickly learn that you are noticing and/or rewarding their good behaviours and will try please you more often. Conversely, it won’t take long before they will also notice that they can behave badly at first and then do what is asked only after a bribe is offered.
The sweet treat is a common reward that parents use. When used sparingly, it can be effective and is often easy for parents to maintain. The risks of using sweet treats on a consistent basis can be filling up on food void of much nutritional value, dental hygiene issues or increased cavities, modeling unhealthy snacking habits, and the possibility of developing unhealthy emotional links to food and eating which can all have detrimental effects. Now, this isn’t to say that the odd candy or ice-cream for good behaviour is going to have negative long-term effects on your child, just remember to use other types of rewards as well.
It is important to find rewards that are meaningful to your child and also match your values. This means you should try to vary the types of rewards you give for desired behaviours. Depending on the age of the child, you can use stickers, charts, coupons, or points to keep track of positive behaviours. The rewards can be family outings, inexpensive toys, special privileges, sweet treats, outside activities, having a friend over, choosing the dinner menu, or alone time with a parent or grandparent. The list is endless; the key is to find out what motivates your child and use those as rewards.
When introducing a reward system try to avoid starting immediately following the undesirable behaviour. By waiting for a calm moment a better system can be set up and the child won’t likely misinterpret the reward for the negative behaviour. It is important that you very clearly discuss the expectations with your child and then together, decide on a pre-determined reward once a set goal is reached.
For example, when toilet training (make sure that the child is showing signs of being ready – rewards won’t work long-term when developmentally the child isn’t ready) you might decide that your 2 ½ year old will get a sticker on a chart each time they use the potty. After accumulating 5 stickers, you might go shopping to pick out new “big girl” or “big boy” underwear. The next time, the child might need to accumulate 10 stickers before getting a new book or toy or go to the Zoo.
It is imperative that you continue to provide social reinforcement in combination with the tangible reward so that eventually, you can phase out the tangible reward and the child will continue to be motivated by the social reinforcements and develop internal controls.